Last fall, Russia displayed a very keen interest in Ukraine's presidential election, to the point of preparing for 4 million unreported Ukrainian citizens within its borders to vote Oct. 31, although only about 5,000 had voted in the previous Ukrainian presidential election 5 years earlier. Given that construction season was just about over, most of the 1 million Ukrainian workers who were in Moscow and other cities over the summer were likely to be on their way home—never mind the obvious absurdity of anyone illegal actually admitting to their presence by openly voting in an election!
Be that as it may, it doesn't pay to bait a hungry bear. October 26, Mr. Vladimir Putin arrived in Kyiv to ease the traffic jams and smooth over the pre-election jitters that had been growing over the previous few weeks. Before it became too late, one Ukrainian writer decided it was time for Ukraine to apologize to Russia.
Ukraine’s Apology to Russia
On behalf of Ukrainians everywhere, I'd like to offer an apology to the Russian Federation. We haven't been getting along very well recently and for that, I am truly sorry.
I'm sorry we've been trading more with Europe these last few years. It's a much more exciting and fair-price market, but it isn't nice of us to point it out. If it's any consolation, this shouldn't really reflect poorly on the brotherly Russian people. After all, it's not like you originally chose to have a paranoid KGB officer run your country, rather than somebody who understood free market principles.
I'm sorry about Odesa-Brody. Just because we have a good deal with the Poles doesn't give us the right to expect you to pay us a competitive price for using our pipeline in the meantime.
I'm sorry we beat you at Eurovision. In our defense, I guess our excuse would be that our singers are much better than yours. It's not your fault that we have Ruslana and you have Masha Rasputina.
I'm sorry we didn't move to the swamps with you back in 1147. I notice you've built a Big City up there. It's Very Impressive.
I'm REALLY sorry about Tuzla. After all, it's not every day that a Major Country like yours wants to build bridges to Ukraine. Especially when all you wanted in return was the right to our half of the sea.
Mea culpa about having our own orthodox churches. I don't doubt that we'd be much better off if the Ukrainian patriarchs, like yours, rendered more to Caesar than to God.
I'm awfully, awfully sorry about your national football team. But hey, maybe if you ask real nice, Andriy Shevchenko or Serhiy Rebrov can give them tips on how to make their game more, er, dynamic.
I'm sorry about you having to return the mozaics you stole from St. Michael's Cathedral. It's not like you have anything like that of your own.
I'm sorry about Okean Elzy invading your concert halls and getting better applause than your singers. I know we had nothing to do with Filip Kirkorov, but we Feel your Pain.
I'm sorry about our waffling on Chechnya. I mean, when you're going up against terrorists who call themselves freedom fighters, you wanna have your friends by your side. I realize that it took more than two hundred years before you guys took us over back then, but that was different. We had kozaks.
And finally, on behalf of all Ukrainians, I'm sorry that we're constantly doing our own thing in a passive aggressive way, which is really a thinly veiled criticism of Great Mother Russia. I sincerely hope that you're not upset over this. We've seen what you do to freedom-loving peoples everywhere.
(With thanks to Colin Mochrie, who wrote the wonderful piece, “Canada’s Apology to the US.”)