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When I was a kid, my parents lied to me.
They told me I was Ukrainian.
Turns out I’m not Ukrainian at all.
There’s no such thing as a Ukrainian.
I’m a fake Russian.
So when I was going to Ukrainian school,
I wasn’t learning Ukrainian literature and Ukrainian history.
I was learning Little Russian literature and fake history.
I guess I grew up on alternate facts.
Oh, it also turns out we weren’t speaking Ukrainian at home.
We were speaking a non-existent language.
The kids on my street would have been REALLY impressed
if they knew my parents invented a language.
Heck, we could have been on the Daily Show.
Or even Fox News.
I’ll never forgive them for that.
I still only know a Little Russian.
Well, and English.
Everybody knows English.
Only 40 million people speak Ukrainian.
Come to think of it, that’s not bad for a fake language.
How many people out there speak Croatian or Maltese?
Now there’s a little war going on.
Over a piece of land that’s about 3% the size of Russia.
That’s like the mafia stealing marbles from little kids.
Or killing people for iPhone knock-offs.
Can you imagine bombing the hell out of a city
for iPhone knock-offs, toilets and used underwear?
Do you think maybe they’re poorer than Ukrainians?
Maybe what we really need is an Adopt-a-russian program.
With a special Family Plan.
Offer them indoor plumbing and new underwear.
We should get a lot of takers from Astrakhan and Siberia.
Maybe even Stalingrad...
We could even teach them Ukrainian.
Now, that’s a peace plan I can get behind.
June 2022
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